Why Don't You Get A Job?
by fire-emblem-girl
Summary: (one-shot) songfic about Erk and Serra's "realtionship" to The Offspring's Why don't you get a job? This isn't laugh until you cry funny so don't review if that's all you have to say about it.


Why Don't You Get A Job?

Well…I know, I haven't finished To Be Alone yet (shameless plug, yes.) but I was just listening to The Offspring (their old album, Americana) and I immediately thought of Serra and Erk! I am not fond of the pairing however it fits for this song. So without further ado I present this songfic!

Matthew's POV.

My friend's got a girlfriend

Man he hates that bitch

He tells me every day

He says "man I really gotta lose my chick

In the worst kind of way"

Well, I always knew Erk was a bit of a…oh, I'll just say it, a wimp. He's got this girl, Serra (ugh…) and she is always yelling at him to do something or other. Every single day he says he'll leave her but naturally he never does. I know Serra personally and believe you me; she is not fun to have around. Besides the fact that she is hopelessly loud she also happens to have a tendency to feel superior to everyone else. But, I digress. This is not about my plight (I suddenly have a new appreciation for single life) it is about Erk's inability to stand up for himself.

Even now as I sit here spying…err… watching…okay eavesdropping on their conversation I see him stammering hopelessly eyes downcast. That is not how to deal with Serra I'm afraid. One has to be rather…forceful with Serra or she doesn't get the gist of what you are telling her. It's not that she isn't a smart girl, she's in fact very intelligent to come up with all those ways to annoy people endlessly but unfortunately she does not use her smarts for the good of the army. Truthfully she just sits on her arse all day and makes up new ways to make Erk pay for everything.

She sits on her ass

He works his hands to the bone

To give her money every payday

But she wants more dinero just to stay at home

Well my friend

You gotta say

Really I think he should just say…

I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way

na-na, Why don't you get a job?

Say no way, say no way ya, no way

na-na, why don't you get a job?

But of course our charming little pushover of a mage would _never _do that. Oh dear, perhaps I shouldn't have said all that stuff about Serra sitting on her ass…well…not out loud anyway. She's looking straight at the bushes I'm in and I'm afraid she has seen the way the move all by themselves even though there is no wind. Like I said, she is intelligent.

"Who's there?" She asks in that high pitched trying to sound commanding voice.

However I must ask…what self-respecting spy would answer when someone asks who's there? Not me that is for sure! I manage to keep myself quiet for the next few moments as Erk desperately tries to regain control of his "lover". Honestly, I have no idea what he sees in her. She is attractive but somehow I don't think dear Erky would go on looks alone. Besides he _traveled _with her and said it was absolutely horrible. What a liar. Honestly if I got caught by Serra I believe I would crack and tell her _everything,_ yes, everything. I am aware that I am a spy and risk is probably something I should be accustomed to. Yes, that is undeniably true but if one is introduced to Serra one will begin to understand my desire to not be found out. So, I make myself scarce for awhile. Ah yes, the sudden illness trick works every time.

I am lying in my tent pretending to be sick when who should walk in but young master.

"Oh, hello young master! Are you well? Are you tired or hungry perhaps?"

Lord Hector just scowls at me. I do believe he has never quite forgiven me for storing extra provisions in his satchel without his consent.

"You aren't sick at all, are you Matthew?"

"W-what? I am saddened and appalled by this sudden mistrust of me, your spy! I thought we were mates young master!" I reply with a frown. Then I pretend to wipe my eyes, for dramatic effect naturally.

"…Ugh…Matthew why do you insist on wearing on my patience?"

"Patience? Why, I was not aware you _had _patience milord," I answer with an impish smile.

"Is that how you speak to your Lord Matthew?" Young master says glaring at me.

"No, not at all. Why, Lord Uther would have my hide if I ever said that to _him_," I say trying to control my impending laughter at young master's face.

Oh, yes. He is so angry he has no words for it. I will be in trouble for some time now but it was worth it.

"M-Matthew! Not him! Have you forgotten that I am now your liege?"

I try to look confused. "Why, no milord. I haven't forgotten at all. You are very strong young master."

He sighs after he realizes that there will be no stopping me. I'm not sick, heavens no. In truth I almost never fall ill. After that he leaves me alone so I decide to see if the cost is clear.

When I look out the flap of my tent I see that everyone is heading to the dining hall. Hmm…I will see if I can't get someone to deliver my supper for me. Like Guy, Guy owes me. Hmm. who knows but maybe I can get someone else to like Lady Lyndis. Oh yes, she is quite enjoyable to have around. Not to mention that she gets so annoyed with my "antics" as she calls them.

I lay there looking at the ceiling of the tent. There is nothing special about our tents or beds. Well, one cannot even refer to them as beds; they are simply bedrolls laid on the ground.

"Matthew? Are you in there? Do you want some dinner?" ah, it seems my hopes have been answered. It is Lady Lyndis. Oh this _shall _be fun, oh yes it shall.

I clear my throat loudly and call out in a raspy voice. "Lady Lyndis, is that you?"

She pulls back the tent flap and sticks her head in. Lady Lyndis is very nice which is why I have so much fun bothering her. Of course seeing as she is a lady I don't push her as far as young master. Lady Lyndis steps in with a tray in her hand. Her forest green hair is pulled back in her usual high ponytail and she is dressed in her normal attire of the Sacean tribe.

"Oh, Matthew. You really are ill then? I must admit when Hector told me you were I didn't believe him in the least but now that I see you…"

"Yes well Lord Hector is rather a notorious liar I'm afraid," I reply knowing very well that it is I who is the liar.

"Hmm…really? I wouldn't have put it past him."

"Would I lie to you Lady Lyndis?" I ask knowing full well that I am in fact lying to her at this very moment.

She looks skeptical and raises an eyebrow. "Yes. I know you would so don't try that innocent act with me."

"I don't know what you are speaking of milady. It just seems like everyone thinks I always lie," I say wistfully. Then the clincher. I sigh and roll over onto my stomach. Really I am laughing but I imagine it must sound like crying from where she is standing.

"M-Matthew! W-what are you doing? Y-you never cry, do you?"

I laugh louder this is simply hilarious! How can I get her to believe me so easily? But I've had my fun so I lift up my head and grin at her. "No, I don't believe I do cry Lady Lyndis."

She seems so outraged. It makes me burst into laughter all over again.

"M-Matthew, you filthy liar! I actually believed you!"

"Oh yes, I know. I know that full well, which is why I did it," I reply all at once serious again.

After that she leaves so I eat my dinner while recalling an incident with Erk and Serra at the Port of Badon.

"_Erky! Why do you always have to spend so much gold on books? Am I not important to you? Do I not require things?" _

"_S-Serra… please. I am sure that you can buy whatever it is that you want, you have money do you not?" Erk had asked in exasperation._

_She looked at him like he was some kind of maniac. " Well of course I _have _money but I don't want to spend it!"_

_Erk sighed. "What is it this time?" _

_"Well…you see…there are some people I owe money to…and if I don't pay them they said they'd kill me!"_

I guess all his money, well it isn't enough

To keep her bill collectors at bay

I guess all his money, well it isn't enough

Cause that girl's got expensive taste

_"Kill you Serra? Who said that?" Erk asked remaining calm. _

_"I don't remember their names silly! I don't keep track of that sort of thing!"_

I chuckle to myself. _That _had been very amusing. I was of course watching from an alley. Naturally it had all been an elaborate hoax. There was nobody out to kill Serra but of course dear Erk believed her. Then there was the time that Erk tried to get _my _advice about her. Imagine that, Matthew the spy, now Mathew the love consultant! Regardless of my… not so great qualifications I agreed to give him some advice.

_"What am I supposed to do? She's running me ragged not to mention into the ground with her debts!"_

_"Ah, my dear friend Erk. You must simply say…"_

I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way

na-na, Why don't you get a job?

Say no way, say no way ya, no way

na-na, why don't you get a job?

_"But…gah…I can't say that! She'd have my hide!"_

_"Yes well Erk I'm afraid that is your problem. I'm a spy not an advice giver you know. I was merely giving you the best suggestion," I had replied with a nonchalant shrug._

Well I guess it ain't easy doing nothing at all

But hey man free rides just don't come along

every day

_"B-but… you know Serra better than I do! Can't you just say something?"_

_I had just laughed at him then. "Me? Don't be absurd! She's _your _girl. I could _not _speak to her."_

Oh yes. He had wrung his hands nervously for a moment before leaving my tent because he heard somebody calling him. Serra no doubt. I can just imagine… _"Erky! There you are! You shouldn't leave me alone like that, people might attack me!" _I can even imagine her obnoxious voice in my head. Oh wait. She's actually yelling…

"Matthew! I need to talk to you!" she screeches.

That voice makes me shudder but I suppose there is no escaping the situation now.

"Yes, Serra."

She storms into my tent an angry expression on her face. I must say, she shouldn't make that face she looks like our resident hag…err…fortuneteller Hannah.

"Matthew, Erk is so lazy! He doesn't even look at me any more! I mean, if we're going out he should at least look at my face shouldn't he? **Shouldn't he?**"

I sigh softly. "Yes, I suppose he should…"

"Well he doesn't! I am so angry with him! All he does is sit around and do nothing!"

Let me tell you about my other friend now

My friend's got a boyfriend, man she hates that dick

She tells me every day

He wants more dinero just to stay at home

Well my friend

You gotta say

This could be fun… Erk is obviously not the lazy type so he has probably run out of money and passed out from exhaustion or something. I resist the urge to laugh in a maniacal way and simply nod.

"Serra, you know what you should say to that lazy boyfriend of yours?" I ask seriously.

"No, what? Tell me Matthew!"

I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way

na-na, Why don't you get a job?

Say no way, say no way ya, no way

na-na, why don't you get a job?

"Tell him to get a job. Rather a second job," I say shrugging.

I wonder what will happen to Erk now. I don't feel sorry for him in the least, only happy that I am not romantically involved with Serra. Yes, I do believe I will stay single from now on.

Serra leaves without thanking me (naturally). I grin to myself. I wait for the yelling to start but there is none. Hmm…that's too bad. I was hoping that there would be a gigantic fight between the two just because I am an awful person and wish for others to feel pain. Perhaps I shall go outside and spy on them now.

So I sneak out of my tent and make my way over to the campfire, which everyone is gathered around. Ooh… is that angry whispers I hear? Why yes it is. I chuckle to myself and sit down between two nameless soldiers. I hope that young master and Lady Lyndis do not see me outside. They are probably still cross with me which doesn't make me feel badly for tricking them, not in the least. After a few moments of waiting I see Erk and Serra making their way into their usual place of argument. Somewhere as far away from the others as possible.

I of course follow soundlessly.

"Erk, you are being so horrible! You don't even look at me anymore and plus all you do is sit there and read your books! Are books more important to you than I am?"

Oh he's in for it now. Amazingly though he answers her sounding quite forceful.

"I believe that is an unfair representation of my character Serra. I am not in the least lazy nor do I spend all my time reading my books. I would do something other than that but unfortunately you have caused me to spend all my gold!" Erk answers staring right at her.

I suppress my laughter and continue following them without making any noise. I am merely an observer, a fly on the wall if you will.

"Erk, that's a mean thing to say, I don't spend all your gold!"

This is becoming a very heated argument. I almost feel sorry for Erk. Almost.

"I'm not paying for anything anymore! I mean it Serra. Never again."

She just stares at him her mouth slightly open.

"W-What? E-Erk…"

I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way

na-na, Why don't you get a job?

Say no way, say no way ya, no way

na-na, why don't you get a job?

"I'm not giving you anymore money Serra. I need my money to pay for my tomes and without them I can't protect you or anybody else," Erk says once again calm.

I won't give you no money, I always pay

na-na, Why don't you get a job?

Say no way, say no way ya, no way

na-na, Why don't you get a job?

Hmm…who knows? Maybe my "help" actually was help after all. Erk is actually standing up to Serra, is it some sort of miracle? Am I sleeping, delirious perhaps? I give my head a shake and find the same scene in front of me. No, I'm not sleeping or delusional. Ha! My plan worked perfectly!

"But how am I supposed to buy things Erky?" Serra asks looking very confused.

"Perhaps you should get a job."

* * *

Lol. Ha ha! Go Erky! You tell her. Anyway, that's it. By the way to all you Erk fans, I'm not bashing him. He is one of my favourite characters so if you review don't say I'm bashing him cause I'm not. I know this is the most hilarious fic out there but I had fun writing it so I guess that doesn't matter. I know I should have focused on detail and such but oh well. This is from Matthew's POV so I can't really focus on Erk and Serra without adding in some of Matthew's good-natured bugging of Hector. Anyway, I hope all those who read the fic enjoyed it. 

Matthew: Yes, read and review please. Oh and this is a one-shot songfic so don't ask her to update cause it won't happen…EVER. --'


End file.
